Dante's Inferno the NonAlighieri Version
by ProfessorHojotheGEN-I-US
Summary: In this chapter, Dante and Vergil come across the Hoarders and Wasters. And besides meeting a guy who needs to learn how to speak properly, Vergil is revealed to have the strangest fear Dante's ever heard of!
1. The Dark Wood of Error

A/N: If this idea has already been used, then I'm terribly sorry to the person who wrote it before me. I didn't know. With that said, I have had the urge to write this story for a long time. I love The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, but more specifically The Inferno. And I love Devil May Cry a whole bunch too. You see where I'm going with this? The story practically writes itself. But my version is going to be a non-poetic, humorous one.

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

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I find myself trapped in a forest of trees. Dead trees. And everything around me is gray and mournful and all that jazz. And I can't help but ask myself: "What the great Caesars's ghost is going on here?!" Searching my surroundings, I realize that I have no idea where I am. At all. It reminded me of that one time when I had gone out drinking. I swear I only had a few beers and other assorted alcoholic beverages, but you know as well as I do that that's just a crock of crap. Anyway, I got to the point where I couldn't find my way home and ended up asking a stop sign for directions. Giving no response, seeing as how it was an inanimate object, I became angry and swung at it with my fist. Missing it completely, I went sailing into a wall and was knocked out. The rest of that story will go unknown, because, God dammit, I'm lost in a forest.

Finally, I was able to catch sight of a gigantamonumous mountain. I figured that was the best way to head considering that the forest was really starting to trip me out. Ya know when you start to look at something for too long and it becomes all distorted and creepy and looks like it's moving? Well, that's what was happening to me now. And I hate that. So, mountain it is!

Making my merry way, I swerve past a rather large, crooked tree only to come face to face with a leopard. A really mean, big one. After staring at it for a good long time, I choose the best course of action: run away. I scamper behind the big, ugly tree and start climbing like a mad man. Sitting peacefully in the branches, I realize that this un-Godly huge leopard isn't making a move or anything. And what the Hell am I so worried about? I've shot down, strangled, beaten, and otherwise killed things twice as big as this guy. Thus, realizing I should be fine, I leap out of the tree and walk calmly over to the leopard. Giving it a pet on the head, I continue making my way. All of a sudden, it smacks me from behind and sends me reeling into the dirt. Brushing the dirt off as I stand, I turn only to find that it's not there. Instead, I see this huge shadow pass over me and then the ground starts shaking. Jumping around abruptly, I come to see the Leopard . . . and his close friends the Lion and the She-Wolf. Oh, peachy.

"WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE DOING HERE, HUMAN?" the Lion demands. "Uh, just passin' through," I tell him. "YOU ARE NEITHER DEAD NOR DYING, AND, THUS, DO NOT BELONG HERE!" the Leopard growls. "Well, I'm really not here by choice. Believe me, you guys aren't good company," I respond. Laughing, the She-Wolf steps in front of the other two creatures and snarls, "GET OUT OF HERE, HUMAN." Not enjoying their tone's one bit, I step back and pull out Ebony and Ivory. Yeah, that'll show these bitches. For some reason though, I'm terribly afraid of this massive wolf. Could it be that I have strayed from the True Way and, because I'm now faced with a creature that embodies that sin, feel that I am at a hopeless loss? . . . Nah couldn't be that. Must be her sharp teeth or something. Anywho, I leap over the beasts and run for the mountain. Screw fighting them. I mean, come on, a three on one fight is never fair. Especially when your facing a pack of phantasmagorically large, unearthly beings of a nonhuman variety who talk in all caps. It's really a lose-lose.

Almost reaching the base of the mountain, I am flung back by something big and hairy. Recovering from my daze, I realize that it's the She-Wolf. And she looks royally pissed. Pleasant. "YOU MAY NOT CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN, BOY," she says bearing her fangs, "FOR YOU HAVE STRAYED FROM THE TRUE PATH." Dammit, I hate it when I ignore my philosophical thoughts. Pushing me back into the forest, the She-Wolf took one last look at me and went back to her post, her eyes daring me to try that again. Sitting on the ground with a huff, I try to devise a plan which will help me get out of here. But I got nothing."Jesus Christ, Dante. Are you lost again? What's wrong with you?" Jumping from the sound of someone interrupting my thoughts, I look around me only to find nobody there. Grabbing my knees and rocking back and forth, I've come to the conclusion that I must be crazy. Hopefully I'll die soon. But a few moments later, a man jumps down from the trees and lands in front of me.

"Vergil?! What the Hell are you doing here?" I cry latching onto his leg. "I've come to lead you through Hell, Idiot," he says glaring down at me. "Hell? This ain't Hell. It's a Goddamn forest," I point out. "Oh, sweet and simple, Dante," my brother says to me, "This is near the entrance to Hell. We are currently in The Dark Wood of Error." "Vergil, how the Hell do you know that?" I question. Shrugging his shoulders, Vergil responds, "I just do. Now, follow me." He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to blindly to take orders from him. "Hold up, Mister High and Mighty. Why are you doing this, and am I dreaming?" Turning around to face me, Vergil answers, "No, you're not dreaming. You're just a dirty sinner who is possibly contemplating suicide." "I am not!" "I said possibly, now shut up and listen. Beatrice has asked me to guide you through Hell to rectify your wrong, sinning ways." Giving him a questioning look, I ask, "Who the Hell is Beatrice?" "Uh, I mean Trish. Trish has asked me to help you through Hell." Wondering if he needs help, I ask, "Trish asked you to guide me through Hell? And for what reason exactly?" Staring at me unsurely, Vergil puts his hand up to his chin and starts with a "Hmm . . . "

(Flashback): _Comfortably at home, Vergil is sitting down to a nice cup of tea and a crumpet. Placing his shawl around his shoulders, Vergil looks outside to see it will be a warm, cozy day. Grabbing his tea cup, he gently lifts it to his mouth and takes a sip. Ah, that's good. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Standing to answer it, Vergil wonders who that could be. Opening the door, he finds Trish standing there. "Hello, Vergil," she says with a smile. "Why, hello there, Trish. Might I interest you in a cup of tea?" Waving her hand as if to say 'no' politely, Trish starts calmly, "I need you to do me a favor." Taking her coat for her, Vergil invites her to sit down. She does. "Now," Vergil says sitting, "What can I do for you?" "Well, you see," Trish begins, "It's about Dante. I think he's lost." Giving a sigh, Vergil scoffs, "Dammit, he's like a little kid. Okay, well, where'd you last see him? At the grocery store? The movies?" Shaking her head, Trish answers, "No, I mean that he's lost his way in life. I'd like you to be his guide through Hell. Being the sweet, yet brute-ish little idiot that he is, I fear he'll be killed or something before he can make it to the end and understand his sins and stuff. So, would you please be a good brother and help him?" Giving another sigh, Vergil glanced at the picture on his mantle. It was a picture of Dante and himself as wee lads after they had killed their first demon. Ah, they were covered in blood and grime, but had just the brightest smiles on their faces. Whipping away a tear, Vergil turned to Trish and said, "You can count on me." "Oh, thank you, Vergil!" And with that, the two said their good-byes, and Trish left Vergil to his peace. _(End of Flashback)

Watching Vergil for the past five minutes was getting to be extremely annoying. All I asked was a simple question and he just up and blanks out on me. Maybe he's a robot that I need to insert a coin into to make him start moving again . . . but probably not. Maybe. Taking a quarter out of my pocket, I saunter over to him and stare at him a bit. He must really be deep in thought . . . oh well. And I stuck the quarter in his eye. "AGH!," he screamed as anyone would who just had something lodged in their eye, "What the Hell's wrong with you?!" Shrugging, I said, "I thought I needed to insert a quarter for you to tell me the Goddamn answer to my very easy question." Rubbing his eye, he finally got an 'Oh Yeah!' moment and said, "Well, um . . . she thinks it'll be a good experience for you. Yeah, a good experience. That'll work." Ignoring his blabbering lunacy, I say, "Well, let's get this show on the road, then." Deciding that's a good idea, we both make haste down into Hell.

"By the way," Vergil begins with a mean laugh, "Nice work up there. I could totally see their awe for your amazing-ness when you went running frantically up to that mountain." Blushing in anger, I responded with a, "Shut up, Vergil," and we continued to make our way down, Vergil laughing all the while. "What was that mountain anyway?" I asked him, becoming increasingly more annoyed with his laughing at my expense. Clutching his stomach from the pain of laughing so hard at something so stupid, Vergil finally gained enough control to stutter, "Ah-haha, that was . . . hehe, whoo . . . That was the Mountain of Joy. That's where we're heading. It'll mean that you finally understand Hell and sinning and stuff." Nodding, I realize that we've reached a gate.

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here," I read out loud, "Hmm, that sounds pleasant." "It's not," Vergil says either ignoring my sarcasm or just not getting it, "Now, shut up and follow me." As Vergil is working on opening the gate, I glance back up at the warning of doom. It's longer than just the "Abandon all hope blah, blah, blah," but it all basically says the same thing. If you're down here then that means you're stupid and bad. Nothing can save you and prepare to be in a world of pain. FOREVER!! Muwhahaha! Getting an idea, I take out Ebony and point it at the sign. Shooting a few shots, I begin to snicker a little. "What the Hell are you doing, Dante," Vergil asked as he walks over to me. Glancing up at the sign, Vergil shakes his head and sighs, "God, you're an idiot." Dragging me from my spot, Vergil and I enter the impressive Gate to Hell that now sports a new slogan: "Abandon all hope, enter here."

--------------------(End of Chapter One)--------------------

A/N: And there you have it. The first chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it thus far. Review's are appreciated. The next chapter should be out soon, but I can't promise anything. Anyway, thank you for reading!


	2. The Vestibule

A/N: All right, I finally got out the second chapter. Sadly, our twins Dante and Vergil will still not enter Hell directly in this one, but they're close. This chapter deals with those poor Opportunists and that crazy Charon.

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

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Admiring my handiwork one last time, I hesitantly follow Vergil into Hell. Or, rather, what looks to be the tip of the ice burg, so to speak. Reminding me of the forest in which we just left, this place is just as dreary and desolate. Everything's sad and mournful. Quite frankly, I hate it here. "So, where are we now?" I ask Vergil in a rather bored tone. Glancing back at me, Vergil informs me that we have now entered the Vestibule. "Ah, cool," I mutter to his back, thinking this is not at all interesting. Kicking dirt and gazing lazily around, I hear a sickening crunch under my foot. Leaping backwards, I stumble on something else covering the ground and land on my ass with a sickening splat. "Vergil," I ask in disgust not really wanting to know the answer to my question but asking it anyway, "Why is the ground moving?"

Stopping a few feet ahead of me, Vergil turned around in a huff and announced: "Dante. Meet the Opportunists. They must live here for eternity chasing a banner they will never catch and being chased by foul insects. Oh, and the ground's covered in maggots." Taking time to register what I had just heard, I scrambled madly backwards until I was free of the crawling, squirming maggot ridden ground.

"Ugh! Why didn't you _say_ anything?!" I asked Vergil feeling sick.

"You never asked me to. Now get up and shut up."

Walking hastily to Vergil's side, I outwardly shuddered and grasped Vergil's arm tightly. The ground twisted and moved in a fluid motion and made the most putrid noise. "I think I'm gonna be sick," I say clutching my stomach. Vergil merely gave me a maliciously evil smirk. As we continued to look across the vastness of the area with the disgusting ground, a huge banner undulated past us with great speed. Gazing after it, my hair was blown in the same direction as the banner as a large group of people speed past us trying to catch said banner. And after those people, I saw a black mass emitting a horrible buzzing sound that was continually attacking the people. Sadly, they were all naked, but what can you expect from Hell. No shoes, no shirt, all service, or something like that I suppose.

Still looking at the terrified group of poor unfortunate souls, I felt a rather odd hairy sensation crawling up my arm. Swiping the feeling away, I hear an ominous buzzing sound and feel the creepy, hairy sensation once more. Throat tightening in fear I glance down at my arm and see a good sized hornet crawling up it. The next thing happened in a blur, but I remember crushing Vergil's arm with a vicelike grip, pulling us both down to the ground while struggling backwards, and letting loose an ear-piercing, heart wrenching, blood curdling scream that sounded like, "UghhhAahhHHHHHH-BEEEEEE-AHH-GETITOFF-GETITOFF-AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" The amount of exclamation points accurately describe my fear. I hate bees. The hornet took flight from my arm and then preceded after those who were already dead and bleeding. Still stunned, I grasped my chest in terror feeling the quickened pace of my heart. Catching my breath and saying, "It's ok-Breath-You're gonna make it Dante ol' boy," I finally realized I was being dragged up by the arm. "What the Hell is your problem?!" Vergil asked me with death in his eyes.

"You know I'm afraid of bees, you bastard!"

"Well, you didn't have to drag me down with you!"

"Sorry, but I was currently holding on to you at the time! My fear strengthened my grip! I guess I mistook you for a very large, gangly shield."

"God, you're an idiot. Don't do that again."

Brushing himself after releasing his hold on me, Vergil asked me, "What happened that made you so afraid of bees in the first place?" Looking at him incredulously, I walked over and grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. "You don't remember?!" I asked him stunned. Shaking his head while trying to pry my hands off of his shoulders, which I was still shaking, he said, "No. Enlighten me." Releasing my hold of him suddenly, he went stumbling backwards. Turning my back to him, I began my story. "It was when we both were wee lads still attending Gingerbread Daycare . . . "

(Flashback): _If you'll recall, I had broken my leg a few days before this. You know, fighting demons and such. Mother and father left us almost everyday to the cold, un-caring hands of the Gingerbread Daycare staff. And, as you should remember Vergil, every day after lunch we would get time to play outside. Now, as liberating as this was for small children such as ourselves, a child with a broken limb can hardly play in all the other children's games. Unfortunately, the staff thought it would be pleasant for me to sit outside and watch all the other children frolic and play their hopscotch and tag. Thus, they sat me under a tree, in a flimsy, white, plastic chair no less, and left me to watch children play. All by my lonesome. But at the time, I thought nothing of it. Sure, I was a young kid with a broken leg sitting in an unattended area with no one to help me in case of an emergency, but I was naive and stupid, so what should I care. _

_However, sitting alone becomes increasingly boring, especially when your crutches had been taken back inside with the attendant and you can't just get up and leave, and I was shifting in my chair a bit. Sitting with my hands under the chair, I begin to feel something fuzzy crawling in my tiny palms. Lifting my hands to my face, I noticed a bee had landed in them. But I was unaware that bees stung at the time, so I merely looked at it squirming in my hands. And then, the unthinkable happened, it stung me. Well, God dammit, it hurt like a million knives that were dripped in poison and doused in flames being thrown into my eye. And I cried. And cried and cried. But, wouldn't ya know it, no one came to help me. I couldn't exactly get up and tell anyone either because, well, my damn leg was broken. And not even the kids, who were playing in a very close vicinity, would stop playing to come and help me. So, my cries became more shrill until I was red in the face with tears flowing nonstop from my eyes._

_Finally, after, like, a year had gone by, someone came running out of the daycare to attend to me. They asked me what was wrong, but all I did was hold out my injured hand and scream, "BEE!" Grabbing my wrist and holding my hand up to their face, the attendant told me that the stinger was stuck inside my hand and they had to get some tweezers to pull it out. Leaving me again, the daycare worker ran back inside and came back out with said tweezers. Telling me that it might hurt, the attendant proceeded to pick and pull at the stinger until it had finally relieved itself of my flesh. _(End of Flashback).

"And I have never been the same since," I said thrusting the once injured hand into the sky and swinging it with a vengeance. Vergil, who had listened intently to my story, broke out in hysterical laughter. "Jesus Christ, Dante," he managed between cackles, "You are so dramatic, you big baby. Oh my God." He said this while whipping a tear away from his eye. Crossing my arms in a pout, I muttered, "So, what the Hell is going on here anyway?" Catching his breath from laughing so hard at my expense, which makes it twice in one day mind you, he was ready to indulge me with his new found intellect on the topic of Hell.

"Well, as I stated above, this is the Vestibule. It contains the Opportunists. These people, in life, did nothing for good or evil. Thus, they have no place in Hell, but they also have no place in Heaven."

"Well, that sucks."

"Yes it does, but shut up and listen. As I know you've noticed, the people here are continually being chased my hornets and stung. This is supposed to symbolize the sting of their conscience and the repugnance of sin. Of course, the continual stinging causes the souls to bleed and cry, which is what the maggots feast upon. A grizzly sight in itself, but these unfortunately beings are forced to chase an ever-changing banner forever. The banner symbolizes the way these people lead their own lives; continually changing and moving forward, never stopping. Sad, yes, but they rightly deserve it."

"Ok, you are seriously freaking me out."

"Nonsense. You're just ignorant to things you don't know."

"Shut up, Vergil."

Observing the Opportunists one last time, I turn to Vergil and ask him where we're headed too next. Also gazing at the crying mass on last time, Vergil turned to me and said, "It's what you've been waiting for."

"What, I can finally get out of this Hell hole?" I ask chuckling.

"No. We are now going to enter Hell and – what's so funny?"

"Haha, Hell hole. Don't you get it? We're, like, going down a hole of Hell! HAHA!!!"

Rolling his eyes at me, Vergil yanks me forward and pulls me over to a vast watery area. Calming down from the most amazing joke ever, I gaze out in front of me and say, "Slap me thrice and hand me to my momma! That was a knee slapper." Not waiting for me to ask him where we are, Vergil ignores my joke and states, "This is the river Acheron. Charon, the ferryman, will take us across and into Hell." Staring hard into the vastness of this awfully drab place, I see no ferryman. But who in their right mind would want to be a ferryman to Hell? The guy probably realized this point and left for the surface where he found himself a nice bunch of girls to go party with. That, or he killed himself and laughed a big, hearty laugh when he sat in his boat wondering who would take him to Hell if he was the ferryman and now he was dead. Of course, he may already be dead and, instead of being bitten be insects and other nasty stuff like that, just received a really lame, yet extremely better, punishment instead. But as I pondered this thought, an outline of a small ferry came into view.

As the ferry lugged slowly toward us, I happened to glance at a bank on the opposite side of the river. Wondering what was going down, I tugged on Vergil's coat and pointed across the way. "Ok, who are those people, and why are they not over here with the hysterical Opportunists?" Waving his hand absentmindedly, Vergil answered, "They are not over here because they are the souls who are saved. They are being taken to either Purgatory or Heaven."

"What the Hell?!" I demand, "Let's get over there then!"

"I don't think you understand, Dante. You are taking a trip through Hell."

"But why?"

"Cause you're a damn dirty sinner! No, I'm just jokin', Trish asked me to, remember?"

"Yeah, but this is lame . . . Hey-hey-hey, who Hell is that?!"

"That's an angel. He's their ticket to salvation."

"Great, and we get some guy in a boat. He'll probably end up telling us stories about the days he used to catch fish all the time, but now he hasn't caught a fish in months. And all the people thought he was just a crappy old fisherman, except for that one kid who believed in him. So, determined to catch a fish again, the old man will tell us he went back out there and, after a few days, caught the biggest damn fish you'd ever seen. Then, he'll tell us how he started sailing back with the fish, but sharks ate it, and all he had to show for it when he reached the island he lived on were the bones. But that kid believed he still had what it takes. He was such a dandy old fisherman."

" . . . What's wrong with you?" Vergil asked in a sincerely worried yet slightly fearful tone. "Seriously," he continued, "You're freaking me out, you psycho." Ignoring him, I noticed the ferry getting closer. I could finally make out the figure of an old, hunched man.

When he finally reached us, his muscles were knotted and his knuckles were gnarled and twisted. His hair was wild and gray so that it looked like tiny snakes waving around on his head. He had a tiny loincloth on that barely covered his goods, and his bones showed through his wrinkled overly leathery flesh. To me, he looked like a big strip of beef jerky. But the most horrifying part of him was his eyes. Not because he had a lazy one or anything, but because he had rings of fire around them. He was not too pretty. And I vocalized this to him by saying, "You're not too pretty." Snarling at me and showing off his crooked yellowing teeth, some of which were missing, I leapt backwards and, once again, grabbed a hold of Vergil's arm. Shaking his head in an "I'm so ashamed" kind of way, Vergil looked into the man's eyes of fiery terror and demanded that we be let across.

"I can't le' you acr'ss," he snarled more ferociously, "because you ain't dead ye'! Git ou' of here!"

"We must pass," interjected Vergil, "because this is a trip preordained by God. You are powerless to stop us. Now, let us on and take us to Hell."

Realizing his place, Charon moves a little to the side to allow us access. Getting in behind Vergil, I glance over at the ragged, old ferryman who growls at me. Tripping backwards, I send Vergil toppling into a seat. Consequently, because I still held his arm, I also fell on his lap. Wrestling away from each other, it takes us about five minutes before we're ready to depart. "Hey Vergil," I whisper as we start moving, "do you know God or something?"

Looking at me, he whispers back, "No, why?"

"Well, you said this was preordained by God. I mean, how do you know?"

"Oh that," he reflects, "Um . . . I don't. I just thought it sounded good."

Letting out a sigh, I turn my head back to the front and come face to face with the nasty old ferryman. Screaming in pure terror, I latch myself back onto Vergil. Breathing a nocuous odor at us through his teeth, the ferryman cackles madly at my fright. "Ignorant boy," he breathes in a raspy tone, "You are not prepared fer wha' awaits you in Hell." Becoming defiant, I pull out Rebellion and ask, "You want to say that again, old man?!" Suddenly, the boat lurches to the side, and I loose my balance. Staggering backwards, to avoid falling into the old man, I stumble and fall only to hit my head hard on the back of the ferry.

My vision became blurry and distorted, and I started to sink to the bottom of the ferry. Vergil's voice rang out in my head with an, "Oi, Dante," and I slumped unceremoniously back into my seat. But before I blacked out completely, I swear I heard the ferryman engaging my brother in a conversation that started with the sentence, "Do yo' like fishin', boy?"

--------------------(End of Chapter Two)--------------------

A/N: Well, there's chapter two. Yay! To clear up a few things, the flashback with the bee is something that happened to myself when I was about five. Even the daycare I mentioned is the same name as the one I attended. Seriously, I remembered it that well and it was extremely traumatic. I fear bees immensely to this day. When Dante says "Slap me thrice and hand me to my momma!" this is a line from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Gibbs says it. And, good God, do I love that movie. There is also a direct reference to Ernest Hemingway's The Old Man and The Sea up there. It's when Dante's describing how he thinks Charon will act. I detest that book. And, lastly, I took many liberties in describing Charon. He didn't get much of a description in the Inferno, so yeah. Anyway, reviews are appreciated as always!


	3. Limbo

A/N: Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise? It's only been, what, a week or so since I last updated? Pretty good, I must say. Finally, our favorite twins enter the first level of Hell. What awaits them here are the people who were very virtuous in life. I mean, these people could've gotten into Heaven . . . if there had been a Christ to worship when they were alive. Consequently, they now must spend the rest of forever in a makeshift Heaven. Poor bastards.

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

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When I wake up from the crazy-old-man-scare-fest, I find that we've arrived on the other side of . . . well, whatever is on the other side. I mean, besides land. Vergil takes this time to inform me that we are now in the first level of Hell more commonly known as Limbo. However, I'm not paying much attention to him at the current moment.

Shaking my fist at the creepy, totally unlovable Charon, while clutching Rebellion tightly in the other hand, I start shouting obscenities and other things of the like at the old ferryman. These insults include, but are not limited to: "Goddamn you, you fat sack of crap!" and "I bet babies cry when they see you, Ass-tard!" But all the old man did was cackle sadistically while giving me the finger. And I would have gone out there and sliced off that finger if he hadn't been sailing happily away. Hell man, I didn't trust that "water" we sailed across. Seriously.

Gripping my ear harshly, Vergil began dragging me away from the river and onto more exciting things. But that didn't stop me from mooning the old bastard. If he's not already dead, I hope he dies and goes to Hell. Well, I mean like in the lowest level or something. Just something that would take away his goddamn ferryman position. When I die, I hope with all my might I don't have to go to Hell. I never want to see this creep again. But going to Heaven seems like an impossibility, so I'll probably be seeing Old Man Likes to Fish again sometime. Drat.

Releasing his hold on my ear, Vergil turns to me and says, "Did you even hear a word I said back there?" Nodding my head, I fold my arms and say, "Yeah. We're in Limbo."

"And?" Vergil says with an air of impatience.

"And what? We're in Limbo. That's what you said."

"What else did I say?"

"Uh . . . that you love me?"

Sighing angrily, Vergil walks over and slaps me in the face. Grasping my face in shock, I turn to him and say, "Well, I love you too, Bastard." Vergil ignores me, anger clearly showing in his features, and repeats what he said about five minutes earlier: "Dante, my sweet yet annoyingly stupid chromosome sharer, this is Limbo. Here lies the people who lived full lives, but they had no God to direct them. Because of this, they can't get into Heaven."

"Why the Hell not? Lordy, I thought God forgives and all that crap."

"Well, apparently not as much as you thought. You see, without God, these people couldn't see the true light. You'll notice, however, that this first circle looks remarkably like a run-down version of Heaven. Thus, these people can only get a taste of what they should've had."

Thinking that's a bunch of crap-o-la, I share my feelings with Vergil by saying, "That's a bunch of crap." Nodding his head in agreement, Vergil turns and starts to walk over to a castle in the distance. Gazing around as I follow his lead, I notice that nothing in this place has color. It's all light gray, dark gray, and regular old gray with these people. Seriously, I may not know much about interior decorating, but at least put a potted plant on the ground or something. How dull and boring. But, I guess people in Hell don't deserve excitement or color. I bet Heaven's all sparkly and bright; so bright in fact, that the people up there can hardly stand it. They're probably like, "It's too bright! Where's the damn gray?!" How ironic that would be: People in Hell want color, while people in Heaven want boring. Oh, the laughs I'll forever have thinking about that.

Enjoying my thoughts, I fail to notice that Vergil has stopped walking. Consequently, I wander right into him. We both lose balance and topple over in the dirt. Growling at me angrily, Vergil grabs my head and shoves it into a large, open pit area. Looking down, I scream like a little girl. That's a freaking long way down! Scrambling madly, I'm finally able to stammer out, "Vergil, come on man. I didn't mean to! Don't pull a Scar/Mufasa on me!"

"This," Vergil says tensely, "Is what Hell is structured like. Those various rings and levels you see constitute a new level of Hell. The farther down you go, the worse the punishment."

"Oh," I say gazing down into the abyss. Then, I start laughing hysterically. Horrified, Vergil flings me back to safety on the ground away from the cliff and inches away from me slowly. "Ah-hahaha, don't you get it Vergil? It really, _really_ is a Hell hole! I just remembered my joke!" Finally remembering my awesome joke, Vergil shakes his head and brushes some dirt off as he stands. "Dante," he sighs, "I don't know what to do with you." Still laughing manically, I follow Vergil deeper into the first level.

"There aren't, like, any bees or anything here is there?" I ask nervously. Walking beside me, Vergil doesn't make eye contact when he says, "No," but he gained a really evil smirk.

"Hey," I say pushing him a little, "So what if I'm afraid of bees! They've been known to kill people you know."

"As true as that is," he commented still not looking at me, "You've been stung about five times in your lifetime. If the sting were to kill you, you'd be dead already."

"How do you know it's not a really slow acting poison? You know, so they could weaken me in my prime. Then, one day when I'm feeling too sick to get out of bed in the summer, I'll hear this awful buzzing noise growing louder outside my window. Choosing not to open it, I'll begin to hear glass breaking in small pieces. Becoming frightened, I'll pull the blankets over my head and chalk it up to delirium on my part. However, at the time, the glass will shatter completely and then glass shards will be laying all over. Flinging the blankets off of myself, I'll come face to face with, like, ten million bees, all just hovering around in my room. Screaming, I'll try to escape, but the poison will have made me too weak to do much of anything, so the bees will fly off with me. Upon reaching their nest, which will be huge, I'll be plopped down in a freakishly gigantic chamber dripping with nectar/honey/whatever else they got in there. Then, a few minutes later, a huge-ass bee will come out of nowhere and be all like, 'I'm the Wasp King. And I'm gonna sting you, Bitch.' Screaming's the only thing I can do until my eventual death by the king's massive stinger."

" . . . Hmm . . . . . . Ok, Dante. Do you need to sit down?"

Shaking my head at him, I begin to see that castle we saw a few minutes ago more clearly. Glancing around, I don't see anybody here. "Vergil," I say still looking for some signs of life, "Are there even any people here?"

"Yes, but I suppose they like to keep to the castle."

"Oh, that's cool. So, what's their punishment? Acid in the eyes, kneecaps removed?"

"No, nothing like that. These people only suffer from the knowledge that they never knew God."

"Ah . . . well, I'm coming to this level when I die."

"You can't pick what level you want to be in. That's determined when you die. And knowing you, they're going to have a hard time placing you in a certain level."

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!" I retort angrily. Laughing, Vergil ignores my question, and we walk the rest of the way to the castle in delighted Vergil laughter.

When we get closer to the castle, I begin to see a little color. You know, a green field here, a white-ish castle there. But, it's still very Hellish colored here, so the bad outweigh the good. Anyway, when we reached the castle, I noticed that it's a little run down. Oh well; again, this _is_ Hell. Nothing can be nice, I suppose. Walking up the stairs behind Vergil, I notice hidden faces shooting us glances from the various windows. Thinking it's very creepy, I power walk closer to Vergil while keeping a tight grip on Ebony and Ivory. You can never be too careful.

When Vergil rings the door bell, a loud, very extravagant version of _Dies Irae_ starts playing. And it keeps on playing . . . and playing. "Hey!" I shout, "Open the door!"

From inside a voice calls, "No."

"But you know we're out here," Vergil comments becoming a little annoyed as well.

"Um, no we don't."

"Argh! Yes you do!" I say pounding on the door.

Pulling me back, Vergil says to me, "Let's just wait it out. I mean, how long can it be?"

53 minutes later, Vergil and I can be found laying seemingly lifeless against the steps. I never thought anyone would have the whole _Requiem_ for a door bell ring. But, finally, the music stops and a man opens the door and greets us inside.

Upon entering, I see nothing remotely interesting. Just a bunch of old dead guys conversing and reading books. Ugh, maybe I don't want to be sent here after all. I want my after life to be full of non-extreme torture and excitement, thank you very much. Leaning close to me, Vergil points out some of the men here. I don't have a clue as to whom he's talking about, but there was some guy named Homer, another named Horace, and some other dudes too. Vergil seemed as giddy as a school girl, but I couldn't see why. I know I wasn't excited.

Regaining his composure, Vergil walked over to the guy I think he pointed out to be Homer. Then, he started talking about some Odyssey and how greatly epic it was. I, on the other hand, tried to blend in with a corner as best I could. I mean, if I was really supposed to be observing Hell and all that jazz, then at least give me something snazzy to look at. What about all those people below us who are being tortured for eternity? What about their needs?

When Vergil finished talking to the dead guy, he came over to me and smacked me upside the head. "I really wish you'd stop doing that . . . for no _reason_." Giving a half-hearted apology, Vergil dragged me into a group of gentlemen. Leaning in close to me once again, Vergil explained that they were all very great poets in their time. Giving him a "Whatever I just want to be out of here" look, I notice that one man has started reciting an excerpt from, I'm guessing, one of his poems. This continues on until only Vergil and I haven't produced a poem. Laughing inwardly, I start thinking how embarrassed Vergil's going to be when he has nothing clever to recite for his buddies. At that moment, I hear Vergil's voice cut through the silence:

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favour fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Receiving a round of applause, I look at Vergil with an incredulous look on my face. He merely smirks at me, feeling all confident about himself. Suddenly, I realize that I'm the only one who hasn't recited a poem. Feeling uncomfortable, but not wanting to let Vergil live this down, I think of the only poem I know. Giving a big grin, I say:

This is my rifle,

This is my gun,

This one's for fighting,

This one's for fun.

Apparently only Vergil got the innuendo, because he gave me a seething glare. The old, dead dudes just seemed confused. But, I still got applause, which I thought was freakin' hilarious.

Saying our goodbyes to the Old Poet Society, Vergil yanked me over to him hard and whispered, "What the Hell, Dante?" Patting him on the shoulder, I whispered back, "Sometimes you just got to have a little fun, Bro. But, seriously, what did you want me to do? Cry?"

"No, but I didn't think you'd pull out a poem like that. I would've been much more content if you would've recited 'Roses are Red' or something like that."

"Sure, Vergil. You just wanted me to look like a fool in front of the smart poet-y guys. Well, too bad, cause they didn't get it, and I still got a round of applause."

Dropping the conversation there, Vergil lead me deeper into the castle. After walking for about ten minutes and seeing nothing, I asked Vergil if there was any particular reason we were wandering deeper into the castle.

"For one," he stated, "We will be leaving through the back exit. And another reason would be that we haven't met everyone in here yet."

"How do you know all this?" I asked him, still being dragged.

"I just do, so don't ask me anymore. My powers are much greater than yours."

"Hmf, so you say. But do you have the power to drink a whole gallon of milk in thirty seconds? No, I didn't think so."

Finally, we enter a room where there's some more old guys to stare at. Lordy, if Hell just consists of creepy old guys, than may I never die. Anyway, Vergil informs me that these lovely gentlemen are philosophers. Some of whom are Aristotle, Socrates, and Plato. Yeah, like that means something to me.

Vergil strikes up a conversation with these guys as well, and I begin to wonder how Vergil got so knowledgeable all of a sudden. Or maybe I just don't pay enough attention. Anyway, I've thought of a wonderful new nickname for my brother: Nerdy Vergie. I'll never call him that to his face, but now I can share a laugh with myself.

Noticing that Vergil is coming to get me to join the crowd, I fear I'll have to say something philosophical. Truthfully, I got nothing. Thankfully, Vergil just introduces me to some of them. Then, Plato I think, starts going off on something. And he just won't shut up. I mean, he's saying a lot, but I'm completely lost. I started really aching for that Un-Godly long _Requiem_ door bell. At least it was catchy. So for, like, forty minutes, I'm forced to listen to some dead guys spiel about life or something.

When the guy finished talking, I got up from my slumped position I had taken in a chair about a half an hour ago and stretched a little. Scratching my head, I hear one of the old dudes exclaim, "Aha! Good show, Boy! Please, give us your opinion on the matter." Looking around, now fully aware, I notice that all eyes are on me. And Vergil looks a little shocked. Crap, now what did I do? All these smart old guys are looking at me . . . and I didn't even hear the damn lecture. Improvising, I just start BS-ing, "Well, obviously, you're right. I mean, if you were wrong on that theory, then what's to say your other theories are correct? But, knowing you, specific research on your part would provide an inexcusable amount of proof to support your claim. With that, the claim you made proves to suffice for the idea that many have supported. Thus, it only makes sense that all you've just exclaimed must be true in a sense. However, when people introduce different ideas, a new, more original theory may try to discourage your findings . . . and that's what I think."

Meeting a bunch of blank stares, I took this as the best time to leave. Snatching Vergil out of his chair, we scrambled madly toward the door and escaped before anyone could say anything. Exiting the castle, Vergil turned to me and said, "What the Hell did you stand up for?"

"I was stretching! He was done talking, and I was done being there!" I snapped back.

"Did you even hear a word he said?"

"No! Why the Hell else do you think I said all that crap?"

"I guess that makes sense. You used many words, but you didn't really say anything."

"Exactly. This next level better be exciting. That wasn't very Hellish, if I do say so myself."

Making our trip from the castle, we were coming to the end of Limbo. Thank the Lord. Excitedly, I begin asking Vergil what the next level of Hell is like. But he won't tell me because he's a butt face. Continuing to pester him, I fail to notice the demonic figure standing at the edge of the first circle. When Vergil stops walking, I turn my head to see the horrifying man. Screaming, I stumble backwards and grab onto Vergil for dear life. The scary demon man continues to stare at us, when Vergil, finally, provides an explanation for whom this man is. "Dante, meet Minos. He is the one who decides what level of Hell people will be condemned to. So you'll be seeing him again."

With a huff I say, "Shut up, Vergil," and continue to stare at this awful figure. When Vergil moves past him with ease, I figure he won't do anything to me either. I mean, I'm not dead. Yet. So, walking past him, I nod my head in a little gesture meaning, "Thanks for not killing me, you crazy bastard." However, before I make it to Vergil's side once more, I see the demon point to me, run his thumb across his neck, and then point the thumb directly down. Holy shit, this guy has it in for me!

Walking away in a hurry, I notice the crazy demon sneering at me. Crying a bit, I hurry next to Vergil saying, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" he asked me with no concern or enthusiasm in his voice.

"The way that guy threatened me! He wants to take me out."

"Oh, calm yourself. What are you scared of a little demon for? You've taken out bigger, scarier ones." Realizing this was completely true, I said, "Oh yeah." Rolling his eyes and sighing, Vergil leads me further out of the first circle.

"Dies IRAE . . ."

"Shut up, Dante."

--------------------(End of Chapter Three)--------------------

A/N: Finally, they made it to Hell. Hurray for Dante and Vergil! Anywho, the poem Vergil recites is by Robert Frost and it's called "Fire and Ice." It's short, sweet, and likable. Dante's, on the other hand, is from God only knows who. I just heard it one day and decided it would work for him. Another thing I should point out is the use of Mozart's _Requiem_ and the _Dies Irae_ piece from it. Well, _Dies Irae_ is known to be the best medieval Latin poem. This is ironic because some of the residents of the castle are poets. Hahaha, get it? This poem describes the day of judgment, the last trumpet summoning souls before the throne of God, where the saved will be delivered and the unsaved cast into eternal flames. So it's kinda funny in that sense too. If you've never heard it, I'd consider checking it out. It's pretty much amazing. I played it in my Orchestra class a few years ago and we had the band and choir with us as well. It was so cool. But, anyway, I hope that makes more sense to anyone who didn't get it. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading!


	4. The Lustful

A/N: Ah, lust. Something I'm sure we can all relate to . . . maybe. Anyway, Dante and Vergil have now entered level two of Hell. And it contains the Lustful. They shouldn't have been so passionate in life! Now their souls are forever damned!! Oh, Lord, why?! I don't really care, though. Makes for a good story I suppose.

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

--------------------

Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

--------------------

After punching me in the stomach for my continuation of the song "Dies Irae," Vergil announces that we are officially in the second circle of Hell. "Dante," Vergil says lifting his arms in a very crazed fashion, "This is where the souls start to be truly, _truly_ punished in Hell!"

"Why the Hell are you lifting your arms like some crazy Moses?" I ask him, "Chill-ax."

"Hmf," Vergil pouted, "I was just making it dramatic."

"Good for you, Freak. So, what happens in this level? Acid in the eyes, kneecaps removed?"

"Didn't you ask that same punishment for the level we were just in?"

"Yeah, but I think it's bound to happen sometime. I mean, acid in the eyes? Ouch. Knee caps removed? Another ouch. Both at the same time? Priceless. Plus a very good torture for Hell."

Shaking his head at me, Vergil says, "No. That punishment never happens, so get over it," and drags me deeper into the second level. Gazing around, I notice that it's all . . . well, you know. Gray. And it's gonna stay gray forever, dammit! When I die, I'm going to demand I be buried with flowers and all other kinds of colorful crap so I can spruce this place up a bit. Of course, I'll demand all that before I die . . . obviously.

Continuing our trek, I begin to hear a vicious windy sound. Sighing, I turn to Vergil and proclaim, "Don't tell me there's wind over there."

"Yes, indeed," Vergil states calmly, "The next torture involves the souls that were lustful in life being thrown around violently in a great tempest. And the wind is always blowing, so they have no hope of rest. Consequently, just as they gave up reason to be caught up in their passions, forever are they caught up in the wind of Hell. Dante . . . are you alright?"

Glancing up at Vergil sadly, I proclaim, "No! I'm not alright! How do you expect me to travel through an area filled with violent wind?! My hair will be messed up for sure!" And with that, I performed a slow motion head flip. You know, the whole shebang. It was the kind of slow motion head twirl where your hair swirls around your face and through the air and looks so damn cool. However, my awesome hair moment was cut short when I was smacked upside the head by Vergil.

"Hey!" I said, glaring, "What's the big idea?!"

"Dante," he said turning to me, "If anyone should be worried about their hair . . . it's me."

Then Vergil proceeded to smooth his hair back in slow-mo, waving his head around a little in the process.

"Vergil, why can't you keep your hair down?"

"Because then I'd look like you."

"Seriously, asswipe. Think of how cool that'd be! We're pretty much clones anyway!"

"That would be "twins," Dante."

"I know, but some twins don't look _exactly_ alike. Come on, let's switch clothes or something! We could pretend to be each other!!"

Actually thinking it over, Vergil shrugged, "Fine. But don't you dare ruin my clothes. And in case you haven't noticed, there's no one here to trick that already knows us, so your plan already fails."

Waving my hand idly at him, I remark, "Whatever. I just want to see if your clothes will change me into a heartless bastard, too."

Stripping down in the second level, I toss my clothes over to Vergil as he nervously gives me his. Putting on his pants and shirt reveal to me that Vergil likes the tight, restricting kind of clothing. Mine are a big opposite. Slightly baggy and open . . . I conclude that he's not going to like them, and I draw that conclusion based on the fact that I don't care too much for his choice of fashion. "Uggh," I hear Vergil struggle from behind me, "What the Hell is this belt thing for . . . your gloves are kinda sweaty, and, lord, do you even lace these boots up?!" Turning to him while crossing my arms, I say, "Well, your clothes are no picnic either. Now I know why you're always so angry all the time; your clothes are frickin' tight. Oh, and blue? So not my color."

"Yeah, well red doesn't really suit me either," Vergil say still getting used to the constant exposure of his chest. "Maybe we should change back into our own clothes."

"No way!" I tell him, "We're going to stay like this until we reach the third level!"

Looking at me defeated, Vergil sighed, "Fine. But can I keep my hair up? I would feel so not me if I didn't."

"Fine, fine, whatever. I don't think I'd like to put my hair up anyway," I comment.

Finally getting used to each other's clothes, Vergil and I were ready to make our way closer to the wind. Or swirling vortex of death and sorrow; whatever, same diff.

Reaching what seemed to be the edge of the tempest, Vergil starts looking around for something. Wondering if he's seeing something I'm not, I start gazing around frantically as well. Seeing nothing, I notice Vergil's eyes register something. Then, he screamed into the wind, "Francesca, Paolo! May we have a word?"

"Francesca and Paolo? You know someone here?" I ask him incredulously, looking around for the people he called out for.

"Not really," he said beckoning to the two figures, "But they have an interesting story I'd like you to hear."

I don't know how they managed to do it, but Francesca and Paolo came to the edge of their windy prison and just kinda floated there. Looking worn and depressed, Paolo said all sad like, "What do ye need, lads?"

"We would like to hear your story of how you ended up here, if it's not too much trouble," Vergil said bowing a little.

I merely stood there amazed at how they were able to fight against the strong wind and pause right in the middle of the action. Glancing around, I noticed all sorts of people being slammed back and forth and into each other. It was really quite the sight. Ignoring the boring, sad people who were going to tell me why lust is such a bad thing, I shifted my body sideways and made it more apparent that I was going to watch Monster Trucks: The People from the Second Level of Hell Version.

Feeling a yank on my ear, I was pulled back to face Franny and P-man by Vergil. "Stop making a fool of yourself, and listen to what they have to say!" he hissed in my ear. Giving him a "Whatever. I'm sorry" gesture, Vergil signaled for Franny to begin her story.

"I was married to Giovanni Malatesta," Francesca began, "He was a good man, but I did not feel love from him. I tried many a time to adjust to his attitude and life style, but, alas, I could not. I then met Paolo. He is the brother of Giovanni. We shared more things in common, and our relationship developed into one consisting of more passion and love. But I did all this behind my husband's back. He was not the wiser."

"Cheatin' ho," I whispered to myself. But apparently Vergil had heard me because he then proceeded to shove his elbow in my side, "Dante," he hissed, "Be nice." Nodding more from pain than agreement, I saw Vergil rest his arm at his side and signal for Francesca to continue.

"Our affair went on for many years. With Giovanni never suspecting, we were happy together. That is, until the day we were found out. It all happened so suddenly, but both Paolo and myself were murdered by Giovanni. I cannot say we did not deserve it, however."

Looking back and forth between Franny and P-man, I suddenly receive an epiphany: "Well, you two are together now, aren't you? And that Giovanni guy isn't around, so . . . start snogging or something!"

Receiving another elbow to the side, Vergil informs me that they are unable to love because of the guilt they feel. Then, Franny starts crying and saying things like, "Oh, how could I betray two men that I loved so dear? Why did they both yearn for me so?!"

Flinging my hair from my face, I say, "Chill out, Lady. You ain't _that_ fine." And suddenly, I feel a great tug on my (well, I guess Vergil's) coat. Flying backwards, I'm suddenly whipped to the right, then straight down, then directly up again. And then it hit me. I was in the tempest.

"You bitch!" I scream not knowing where the heck Francesca is. How dare she throw me in here! A sharp pain in my side alerts to me that someone just slammed into me. Holding my side, I'm suddenly struck by a blow to my back. Screaming, I cry, "Vergil! Help me, dammit!!" However, I could not pinpoint Vergil's exact location either, so I felt that I was going to die in here. Finally, I hear Vergil's voice call out, "Dante! Where are you, you idiot?!"

Looking up, I notice that Vergil is running alongside the whirlwind. Trying desperately to swim my way out, I call back to him, "I'm right here! Ouch!! Hey, watch where your being whipped around to, Buddy!"

"Ok, just hold on. I'll get you out," Vergil calls back. Wondering just how the Hell he's suppose to do that, I see Rebellion come flying through the windy prison. Letting loose a girly scream, I come to the conclusion that Vergil wanted to kill me and end my suffering. Closing my eyes right before Rebellion struck, I noticed I was being carried backwards. Opening my eyes a little, I noticed that Vergil had threw Rebellion with such a force that, when it had torn through the collar of the coat, it was able to help me out of the wind. Landing harshly on the ground, I scrambled madly over to Vergil and stood up to hug him. "Oh, Vergil," I began sweetly, "You . . . you --"

"Saved your life," Vergil stated.

"Idiot!" I screamed. Whipping around, I struck Vergil in the head with the hilt of the sword still lodged in the coat. "Were you trying to kill me?!"

Holding his head where he had been struck, Vergil yelled, "What's your problem? I just saved your life!"

"But you almost killed me!"

"But I didn't, did I?"

Huffing, I pulled Rebellion out of the coat and put it back in its rightful place. Sighing, I said, "Alright. Thank you. I know you didn't want to kill me, or whatever."

Brushing himself off, Vergil nodded a "Your welcome" and looked sadly at his coat. "My clothes were the one's that got damaged anyway."

Looking at the collar, I noticed that it did have a pretty good sized hole in them. "Well," I said with a smile, "At least it gives you character."

Ignoring me, Vergil walked over to me and stuck his hand into an inside coat pocket. "Well, hello to you too." Continuing to ignore me, Vergil dug deeper into the pocket and pulled out a small blue square. Then, holding on to two corners of it, he gave a quick snap of his hands to reveal a perfectly new, unscathed coat. Standing in shock, all I could say was, "Wha – ?"

"Oh, please," he scoffed, "I'm not like you. When I get holes or tears in my clothing, I actually have spares to replace them instead of parading around in them." Still in shock, I ignored his insult. "Well," he said draping his coat over his shoulder, "Shall we get going?"

Curious, I asked him, "What else do you have in here?"

"Nothing," he said without looking at me.

Not accepting this at all, I dug my hand deep into the coat pocket and couldn't find a thing. I tried every pocket on the coat, but still nothing. "Oh my God," I said slowly, "Are you Mind Freak?"

"No," he said, turning to me, "Criss Angel is the mind freak. I told you there was nothing else, and I meant it. I only carry one spare."

"Sure you do," I said totally not buying this crap.

We walked for a bit longer, but I could still hear the tempest behind us. However, it was growing fainter, and I knew what that meant. " Dante, we'll soon be in the third level of Hell," Vergil said confirming my thoughts, "Now, give me back my clothes.

--------------------(End of Chapter Four)--------------------

A/N: Well, there's the second level for ya! There's a bit more dialogue in this chapter, but I felt that it worked out well. I find it fun for Dante and Vergil to bicker and banter. Hopefully that's not just me. And, in case you weren't aware, Francesca, Paolo, and Giovanni were all real people in the 13th century. They were both married when they started the affair, and Giovanni really did end up murdering them when he found out. Oh yes, and you will be hearing from Giovanni again. Muwhahahaha! Anyway, I only made one reference this time, and that was to Criss Angel: The Mind Freak. He truly is, too. He freaks my mind every time. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Reviews are greatly appreciated as always!


	5. The Gluttons

A/N: Has it really been that long?!?!?! Well, it has been awhile since I updated . . . and I am truly sorry. But I've finally got this chapter out to you, the beautiful people. In this chapter, Dante and Vergil encounter the gluttons. And a few people know Dante down here! Gasp! Also, Cerberus shows us he's just a big, bad doggy deep down.

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

--------------------

Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

--------------------

After we had finally been reunited with our own clothes, Vergil and I traveled deeper into the pits of Hell. "So," I began trying to sound interested, "What's the next level like?" Vergil, as usual, didn't answer me. Sighing, I sluggishly kept pace with him. Every few seconds I would let loose a large sigh. The more he ignored me, the more I sighed. Becoming frustrated, I said, "Man . . . I wish I knew what the next level was like. (Sigh) But, apparently, no one can tell me. (Sigh) Wish someone would." Seeing anger rising in him, I continued my little whine-a-thon until Vergil finally rounded on me and screamed, "The next level contains the gluttons! Shut _UP_ already!!"

Laughing a little, I said, "I would've shut up earlier if you had only told me." Growling to himself, it was Vergil's turn to sigh.

As we continued to walk in silence, I began to ponder what the gluttons would be like. Remembering what gluttony is, I began to image hugely fat people sitting all smashed against each other while food and drink and other crap is shoved down their throats. Oh, and they're being forced to watch some awful movie over and over again. You know, like, _Dinosaur_ or something. So, like, all these fat people gotta watch a movie about a little dinosaur brought up by some sort of monkey or something and then it all goes back to live with its own kind and, like, saves everyone from the big, mean ol' T-Rex-esque dinosaur.

Shuddering outwardly, Vergil glances over to me and an inquisitive look crosses over his face. "Are you scared, Dante?"

"No, not all. I just thought of something pretty horrible, though."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"Well," I begin, "You know that movie _Dinosaur_?" When he nodded his head, I continued to relate to him my theory of how the gluttons were punished. When I finished, he shook a little too. "Now I know why you shivered," he said regaining his composure, "But, no, that's not their punishment."

Feeling a bit better, I followed Vergil as he lead deeper into the third circle. However, I didn't get far before I felt a sickening sloshing under my feet. Cringing, I squeak, "Hey Vergil. The ground here isn't maggot or insect infested is it?" Looking back at me, Vergil replies with a stern, "No," and stops to wait for me. "What is your problem now?" he asks.

Cracking one eye open, I glance down at the ground to find a sloppy mess. Flinging some of whatever it was off of my boot, I gaze around to notice that the whole circle is covered in the slop. Not to mention garbage. It really was quite disgusting. "Ugh," I said becoming a tad sick, "You know what this reminds me of?" Shaking his head, Vergil humors me and says, "No, Dante. What does it remind you of?"

"Remember when we were in the second grade? Well, mom always made us a nice lunch every day that consisted of a sandwich cut in two, chips, carrots, cookies, and an apple. Well, you remember when I got that fancy lunch pail that had its own little compartment for sandwich's? Yeah, well, I did. But, anyway, I remember one day I ate all but one side of my sandwich. So, closing it in my little sandwich container, I put it in the bin belonging to my class and went happily out to recess."

"After school, I decided I didn't feel like going and getting my pail. Thus, I left it thinking that I'd just pick it up the next day. But days turned to weeks, and weeks finally turned into a month and mom asked me, "Dante, where's your lunch pail?" Realizing that I had continued to leave my pail in the basket, I told her, happily mind you, that I would bring it home tonight. Then, after school that day, I grabbed my lunch pail out of the basket and went to meet dad outside."

"Sitting in the car, I remembered that I had left a sandwich slice in the sandwich compartment. Fearing for what it had become, I carefully lifted the sandwich holder out of the lunch pail and placed it on my lap. Unlatching the lip on the sandwich container, I brought it up to my face and cracked the lid open."

"A horrid smell like the death of a million men drenched in rotten bread and cheese filled my nose. Gasping, I immediately closed the lid and breathed in the fresh air of the car. Showing dad, he cringed a bit too. You were sitting peacefully in the back, so I don't know if you smelled it or not, but it was awful! I remember the sandwich was all shriveled and green. Every part of the sandwich was green, come to think of it, and I'm talking, like, a dark green. The cheese was all melty and green, the bread was shriveled and green, the bologna was . . . ugh, and I couldn't even identify the mustard anymore."

"And the third level of Hell reminds you of that little shriveled sandwich?" Vergil asked me. Nodding my head, I said, "Yeah, except the sandwich smelled a lot worse." Laughing madly, Vergil stalked off deeper into the third level leaving me to stand there and stare at him like he was crazy. Which he is.

Dropping the topic of the sandwich, I continued to look around at this filthy place. Gagging, I asked Vergil, "So, what is this stuff we're standing in anyway?"

Halting his steady pace, Vergil turned around to fully face me and said, "Well, the gluttons are forever belted by freezing rain, dirty snow, and huge hailstones. These mix together on the ground and create the slush you are now standing in. And, because these people are naked and have nowhere to hide, they must suffer the oppressive torrent of rain from above and the icy paste from below."

Laughing, I grab one of Vergil's shoulders and say, "Hey Vergil. You know what these people need to do?"

"No, Dante. What do they need to do?" he asked totally not caring for my answer.

"They need to chill out," I say in my best Schwarzenegger. Then I started laughing. And I laughed so hard that my knees got weak and I sank to the floor, still holding my side. Suddenly, I realized I was sitting on something cold, wet, and damp. Cursing myself, I stood up and wiped the slush off my butt. So, now it was Vergil's turn to laugh. And I knew he wasn't laughing at my joke.

"Oh Dante," he said wiping a tear from his eye, "You are such an idiot."

"Shut up, Ass face."

But Vergil continued to laugh at me. Anger rising, I stalked over to him with the intention of shoving him face first into the slop, but I was suddenly rammed by something. Staggering, Vergil caught me just before I feel over. "What the – wha?" was all I could muster. But then I saw some frightened guy squirming in the sludge, and I proceeded to kick him in the head. "Watch where you're goin'!"

Screaming, the man didn't even seem to register that we were there and he continued to try and scramble to his feet. Still angry, I yelled, "Hey, Buddy!" But I was cut short when something large swopped past me. I heard the man scream some more mixed with the most nauseating ripping sound. The next instant, Vergil was yanking me away from the man.

When he finally stopped pulling me in one direction, Vergil breathed heavily and said, "I forgot to mention something."

Seeing a little bit of fear plastered on his face, I looked back to where we had been previously and saw a huge three headed dog ripping the man to shreds. "Cerberus," Vergil huffed still catching his breath.

"Eww," I said watching the sight, "What's his deal?"

"Well, not only do the gluttons suffer from the punishment I described previously, but they must also face the wrath of Cerberus."

"Damn," I said cringing as Cerberus took a particularly vicious chunk out of the man's side. "And let me guess, we have to get past that thing, don't we?"

But before Vergil could answer me, I heard a sickenly familiar voice call out, "Dante!"

Turning around slowly, my fears were confirmed when I saw Enzo bounding toward me in all of his infinitely fat glory. Smacking my hand into my face, I heard Vergil whisper, "You know this guy?"

"I wish I didn't," I responded in a muffled sigh.

When Enzo made it over to me, he proceeded to give me a huge hug. Disgusted from the fact that this was Enzo and he was naked, I tried to claw my way out screaming, "Enzo! You're naked, man! Not cool!!" He apparently seemed to get the idea because he released me and ruffled my hair a bit.

"You know," I said trying not to look at his overexposure on my eyes, "I didn't even know you died. What the Hell?"

"Well," he began, taking a seat in the slop and showing his goods to the world, "I was eating this really great donut. I mean, it was really good. And, like, I wanted another one, so I went back into the store and bought another of the exact same kind. However, I was eating a little too fast, and I kinda choked on it. And, like, no one was around or anything, so I started flinging myself into buildings to try and rid myself of the tricky little donut piece. However, I ended up throwing myself into the middle of the street. There, I got my legs run over by a semi. Thus, with no way to get anywhere, I ended up choking in the middle of the street. Great story, huh?!"

All I could do was laugh hysterically. I always knew he'd died by food somehow. Vergil, however, seemed disgusted by the story and said, "That's disgusting." Enzo merely hunched his shoulders and began laughing right along with me.

"Enzo," I stuttered within gasps, "You are an idiot." Still laughing with me, I began coming to the conclusion that he really may have damaged his brain or something. "But you know," I continued, "for being stuck down here in Hell with such an awful punishment, you seem pretty happy and calm."

"Truthfully," he said scratching his head, "I just got here! So I don't actually know what the – AHHHHHHH!" And Enzo never did finish that sentence because right at that moment Cerberus chomped down on his arm and flung him up in the air. Startled, Vergil and I darted for another corner of the third circle. Deciding it would be best to leave, we started making our way to the exit. However, I was stopped by yet another person, but this time the person grabbed me on the arm before addressing himself.

Freaked out, I jumped in the air and latched onto Vergil's head. This caused us to topple over, and I went sprawling out on top of Vergil. Pushing me off of him, Vergil hissed, "Dante, what the Hell??!"

"Something grabbed me!!" I responded through gritted teeth holding my head, which I had smacked into Vergil's knee, in my hands.

"Hi, Dante," wavered a voice from beside us.

Leaping up, we both latched onto each other and looked at the mangled man. "Uh-um, do I know you?" I asked still clutching Vergil.

"Oh, you don't remember me? I used to hang out with you and Enzo. You know . . . Ciacco? Come on, I got that nickname from you always calling me a pig. You remember?!"

Suddenly, a realization hit me. "Uhh, yeah. I remember you. God, you were disgusting."

As the man laughed, Vergil loosened his clutches on me and whispered in my ear, "You know him too?!"

"Again, I wish I didn't," I responded also loosening my grip. "So, Ciacco, I don't exactly remember you dying."

Recovering from his laughter, Ciacco looked from me to Vergil and then said, "You really don't remember?" Shaking my head, I crossed my arms and looked up.

"I remember . . . that one day you weren't there, but . . . nope, can't remember a thing," I said looking back at him.

Tears started forming in his eyes as he began his story, "It was a normal day like any other. I was supposed to meet you and Enzo at some bar. When I got there, you guys had already had a few, and you were going off on Enzo like usual. However, when I sat down at the table that night, you looked straight at me and told me how fat and stupid I was. Then, you started cackling madly. I got a bit teary eyed, and you remarked about how strange it was to see a pig cry. This prompted me to become even more distressed, and I tried to tell you that you were too drunk and that was why you were verbally assaulting me worse than usual. You then proceeded to slap me, however, and I ran out crying. You and Enzo stayed behind, but I could hear your laughter ringing out from behind me."

"I was so sad, I ran as far away as I could. When I got to my house, I tore my Dante shrine up and started burning all the things that reminded me of you. Sadly, I got caught in the fire when it took over my house and died."

When he finished the story, I burst out laughing again. Vergil even gave a little smirk. Standing up suddenly, Ciacco demanded, "What is so funny, you heartless bastard?!"

Not being able to speak for myself, Vergil answered for me. "You really are insanely stupid," he began trying to suppress his chuckle, "Dante acts that way with everybody! And, while it might've had been due to the fact that he was a bit drunk, he's just as mean when he's sober. You said he insulted you already, so what was one little slap?"

Coming to stand beside Vergil, I chuckled, "Yeah, what's your problem? Didn't you see the way I both verbally and physically assaulted Enzo? You guys were just gluttons for punishment. I didn't even want to hang out with either of you. Also, I never knew your true name, and I just thought you looked like a pig, so . . . yeah. Now you know why you got the nickname."

Laughing madly, Vergil and I started clutching our stomachs while holding each other for support. However, the pigish man didn't think it was very funny cause he started crying and ran off in another direction. However, he slipped on the freezing paste like ground and fell on his face. This prompted Vergil and me to laugh even harder.

Standing up, the naked fat man flipped us off as he wet stalking further away from us. But a huge hailstone burst out of the sky and smashed right into his head. Vergil and I almost died from laughing so hard.

"Oi," I said wiping tears from my eyes, "Let's get out of here."

"Good idea," Vergil agreed.

As we went on our merry way, we looked behind us one last time to see the various people of this level being rained down upon and slipping and sliding on the icy floor. "And that, Dante," Vergil said still looking out over the vast, garbage infested area, "is the third level of Hell." As we went one last run over the place with our eyes, we turned to proceed to the next level. However, a great crash rang out directly in front of us as shards of the sloshy ground went flying.

Looking up, we noticed that we had both forgotten about Cerberus. And he looked pretty pissed. "HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU CAN WALK OUT OF HERE, MORTALS! I PERMIT NO ONE TO LEAVE! YOU HAVE ENTERED, AND HERE YOU WILL STAY!!" Flabbergasted, Vergil and I merely stared at the deformity of a dog.

While I was thinking of a way to get out of this predicament, I noticed that this Cerberus wasn't the lean, mean, horrifying creature that it's usually made out to be. Not that it wasn't a tad horrifying, but his stomach was all swollen and he had all this phlegm and stuff all over his coat. Very un-majestic. I finally came to the conclusion to just slash this sucker and make a break for it.

Putting my hand up for Rebellion, I was stopped by Vergil. Looking over at him, I noticed the look of determination in his eyes. Apparently, he developed some sort of plan. Lowering my hand, I decided to let him do all the work.

Backing away, I noticed Vergil and Cerberus were glaring daggers at each other. Vergil twitched his eyebrow slightly, then Cerberus did the same. Vergil licked his lips a little, then Cerberus slobbered his tongue out. It was all very Western-esque and was, quite frankly, pissing me off. "Do something already," I interrupted.

This caused Cerberus to break his concentration with Vergil. And at that moment, Vergil did a flying sideways leap and scooped up a chunk of the frozen ground. Now rounded on me, Cerberus didn't notice Vergil fling the piece of icy terror right into one of its three mouths. Gagging, the one head starts going crazy thus alerting the other two heads that something's wrong.

Looking on in amusement, I was suddenly dragged away from the scene and past Cerberus. Chuckling, I commented, "Oh man, that was funny. Do you see the way he's all freaking out?! Amazing!" Slowing down, Vergil let go of me and said, "Yes, I thought it was rather ingenious as well."

"But why couldn't I just hack him up?"

"Because, Dante, Cerberus belongs down here and is a good guard of the Underworld. If you had injured him, or worse, killed him, then there would be no one to do the job. Such brutality you have; don't you have any tact?"

"Ah, shut up. Like I care."

"Exactly. And that's why it was done my way."

Walking further out of the third circle, I looked back one last time and commented, "You know, that Cerberus would've been so much cooler if had looked like the one from Hercules."

"The Disney movie?"

"Yeah! That one scared me a bit when I was little!"

"You're such a sad person, Dante."

"You know what's sad? That pig guy who had a shrine dedicated to me."

"True," Vergil said agreeing with me. Then, remembering how completely retarded he was, we both laughed heartily into the vastness of Hell.

--------------------(End of Chapter Five)--------------------

A/N: Fin. I hoped you enjoyed it! Reviews are always appreciated!! Well, Enzo was in this chapter. How exciting! Nah, not really. The Enzo that I based the Enzo in this chapter off of was the Enzo from the manga. I just the get the feeling that he really thinks Dante's pretty much amazing no matter what he does to him. But if you were wondering what he looked like, then there you go. Oh, and I took extreme liberties on Ciacco. The only thing that was true was that he was from Dante's home. Other than that, I made up the whole part where Dante insulted him and stuff. The real Ciacco was boring, and I didn't much feel like telling his story. Thus, just know that in the Inferno there in a man named Ciacco. Oh, and Ciacco hog. And, as how it usually goes, the sandwich thing comes from personal experience. I don't recommend it. At all. Anyway, thank you so much for reading!!

Oh yes, and if you have never seen the movie _Dinosaur_ feel privileged. It is a truly awful movie. I'm sorry to anyone who likes it, but I'm sticking to it. Oh, and in case that part just went over your head, just know that it is an extremely, _extremely_ terrible movie.


	6. The Hoarders and Wasters

A/N: Today is my one year anniversary with this site! Isn't that exciting! I know I'm excited! And, if you checked my profile, you'll know why. You'll also discover why it took me so long to update. But, in case you didn't, I'll give you a run down. Because this was my one year anniversary, I wrote a new chapter for my five on going stories and added a new one to boot! Yay! Fun times!

This chapter deals with those damn wasters and hoarders. Oh yeah, and some God who just can't put the right emphasis on the right syllable . . . to a _great_ degree.

------ Also! I'm dedicating this chapter to my good friend synnesai! She said I should make Vergil be afraid of something totally not scary. And you know what, I think I captured it pretty well!

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

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After recovering from our hearty chuckle, Vergil and I traveled deeper within the stink hole that is Hell. I decided that I would refrain from asking Vergil where we were headed next. For one, I knew he wouldn't tell me 'cause he's a butt face and never does, and, also, I wanted to unnerve him a bit. He always tells me that I'm so predictable, but we'll see. Hehehe.

However, after walking for about ten minutes in silence, I began to get a little restless. He seemed totally calm, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up with no friends. You learn to adapt.

Unfortunately, I was way cooler and was practically drowning in friends. So, you know, this was new for me. Unless, you know, when I use it to my advantage. I'll give you a little example: I walk into this bar all silent like. But I make sure to get enough light to shine on me so it reflects off my chest. Then, when I get all the women's attentions, I step a little farther into the light. Thus, revealing my face.

As I'm making my way deeper into the club, I turn my head toward the ladies slightly and give a little grin. You know, a bad boy one. Then, I turn my head back to the front, swish my hair around a bit, sit down quickly at a table in the corner, and BAM! Instant babe-age.

But, you know, I'm usually quite a loud person, so this silence was irking me.

Breathing heavily, I succumb to my sanity and ask, "So, Vergil, what's next?"

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to ask me!" Vergil in a stupidly smug way. "But guess what, little brother?"

"You won't tell me," I finished for him.

"So, you're not as stupid as they all say."

"Oh, shut up, Vergil."

Walking a few more steps in silence, I turn to Vergil and ask, "Who are these "they" people and what are they saying? If it's about that slight adding accident last year at Thanksgiving, I swear my mind numbed!"

"Pssf, whatever Dante. Dad asked you to tell him what 7 + 5 was and you said 20."

"I was confused! He just sprang it on me!"

"You know, most people remember simple addition. But I guess that's why you were in special classes."

"WHAT! Mom said I was too smart to be in regular classes! And it was a freakin' accident! I don't work well under pressure!"

"There was, like, five people looking at you! Sadly, you're just a moron. I, apparently, got all the brains."

"Yeah well, I got all the good looks!"

"We look exactly the same. Identical twins, remember."

"You just say that cause you're jealous."

Apparently, Vergil didn't want to fight with me because he gave up the fight rather quickly. Whatever, I'll take the win. Sure, I knew we both look exactly the same, but still . . . I look better. There's just something about me.

As we continued on our little journey, I began to hear strange moans, groans, and screams emitting from somewhere in the distance. Perking up a bit, I asked, "Ho-hoo! Vergil! What happens in this level! Mass orgies perhaps?"

"I'm sickened that you got so excited by that thought," Vergil commented, "But, no. There are no orgies going on over there."

But Vergil, being the freaking mystery that he is, left it at that. God, I hate when he does that. It's like this one time when we were younger. Vergil and I were sitting outside in the dead of night on our trampoline. The only light that was on was the fading porch light. And Vergil, being the jerk that he is, told me a story about this psycho killer that was on the loose. I didn't believe him . . . until it got so dark I could barely see the white's of his eyes.

And, like, this story went on for a good long while. And then, when he was almost done with it, he said something like, "Didn't the news say he was prowling around in this area?" And then walked inside.

Horrified, I followed closely behind him, scared of the killer. When I got in bed, I felt pretty safe. That is, until I heard a scratching at the window. Pushing my fears of the killer by the wayside, and considering I was too tired to care, I pulled back the blinds to come face to face with a bloody, crazed looking face.

Well, I was so shocked, I fainted and went crashing to the floor. However, I heard Vergil cackle menacingly from somewhere outside. And, before I blacked out, I cursed Vergil's stupid name and felt my heart stop.

Don't worry though, after being in the hospital on the brink of death for three weeks, I recovered. But I'm just joking. It was more like two.

Anyway, as we made our way closer to the sounds, I started to realize that the noises weren't exactly all that blissful sounding, so I'm glad it wasn't an orgy. Or it would have been a very violent one going on. Plus, what do I care about seeing a bunch of dead people doing . . . things with each other. Exactly, I don't.

"Dante," Vergil said turning to me, "Meet the Hoarders and the Wasters!"

"Why are there two groups of sinners here?" I asked, wondering what the Hell was up.

"Well, that's very good observation, Dante. What do you think?" Vergil asked me in a "Hi, little third grader!" type of way. Scoffing at him, I feigned laughter and said, "I don't know, Ass. That's why I asked you!"

Laughing, because he thinks he's won or something, Vergil puts on his smarty pants and begins giving me a run down of the level. "Well, you see, Dante," he begins stupidly, "Both committed crimes that were rather similar. The Hoarders never spent things or gave anything away. They kept everything for themselves. And the Wasters threw possessions and money away without thinking of the consequences. Thus, they are opposites of each other. And, instead of separate levels for equally sinful crimes, Hell has it set up so these two groups can bitch and moan at each other for the rest of eternity."

"Genius!" I said, suddenly excited at the sinners expenses. "But what's so bad about pushing boulders around?"

"Look closely," Vergil said grabbing me in an attempt to settle me down, "A hoarder must push constantly against a waster for the rest of eternity."

"Cool," I said in actual awe. For some reason, I found this level especially evil. I thought it was hilarious how they had to keep smashing together. And then, when they did, they were all freaked out and startled. Come on, you've been doing this forever! Get used to it already.

A strange thought crossed my mind as I watched the people push these weights and boulders back and forth. If, for some reason, Hell exploded up through the earth and declared a mutiny on the human race, these guys would take us out. All they do is push heavy things. It's gotta be a great way to get in shape! And maybe they'd enjoy it . . . if they weren't dead.

Watching still, I felt Vergil shift around me. Wondering what was up, I saw him getting prepared to leave the level. Racing over to him and grabbed his arm, shook it a little, and said, "We're not leaving yet, are we?"

"Why would we stay any longer?" he questioned, "There's nothing else here for us."

"No! Hold on! Let me do something first!"

I ran from Vergil's side and leaped onto one of the many boulders being pushed. The pusher grunted, but didn't demand me to move. All he did was cry.

Leaping off from the stone, I crouched down by the man and asked, "What's wrong, girly man?"

However, that just prompted him to cry more. Deciding he was too pathetic, I jumped on another guy's boulder. He looked relatively new to Hell, so I figured he still have some bite in 'im! Unfortunately, he was more distressed then the other guy, and when I jumped on the boulder, he shrank to the floor, crawled out in the middle of an open area, and then jumped in the way of a boulder.

"Ok, freak," I whispered climbing down off the boulder. I looked over to where Vergil was and saw him talking to a strange man . . . demon . . . disgusting creature. And I considered joining him, but then I thought he would introduce me to him and make me tell him my theory on advanced high level calculus. Something I know absolutely nothing about, mind you.

Turning my back on Vergil, so he wouldn't ask me to join him in his quest to talk to the creepy guy, I gazed over the vastness of the fourth level of Hell. Ah, pleasant. The dull gray, the stale air, the blood curdling screams . . . so serene.

My attention eventually turned to two bumper bouldering gentlemen. One was screaming, "Why do you hoard?" and the other screamed back, "Why do you waste?" It was so freaking funny I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. And then, I got the most brilliant idea.

Jumping silently behind one guy, I followed him around until he ran into another guy. The guy on my side screamed, "Why do you hoard?" and, when the guy on the other side screamed, "Why do you waste?", it was my time to shine. So, in my best pitifully dead voice I coughed, "Because I felt like it, you bastardy hoarder!"

The whole place went into a dead silence. It was so funny, though! And, because it was so funny, I thought I'd do it again. So, this time when I was asked, "Why do you hoard?" I screamed, "Because I like to have nice things you fat, ugly, loser!"

Oh, I haven't had so much fun in a good long while! All the people were confused and insulted and then they began insulting each other. I kinda felt like a God, you know. I got to shape people in any way I wanted and they adapted those qualities.

Laughing manically at the world I had created, I was suddenly struck in the side of the head by a large blow. Finding Vergil had smashed his sword hilt into my skull, I feigned death and laid pathetically on the ground. Vergil didn't think I was very believable, because he kicked me in the side.

"Ow! Vergil what the –" I began but was immediately shushed by him.

"Dante, shut up. We've got a problem."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked looking at Vergil. He motioned with his finger to look at the demon like creature behind us. "And?" I pressed further, wanting details.

Sighing an exasperated sigh, Vergil took a deep breath and said, "That is Plutus. He is the monster who guards this level and is, interestingly enough, the God of wealth. But, the thing is, I can't understand him for the life of me."

"Why? What language is he speaking?"

"I don't even know if he is speaking one," Vergil said with another sigh.

"Let me handle this, N00b," I told Vergil as I walked past him.

Coming up to the demon, I realized just how horrifying he was. "Ugh," I said in disgust, "Why don't I ever get to look at any of the fine Goddesses. Just cause you go to Hell doesn't mean you're ugly . . . or, I don't know, maybe it does. You tell me, buddy."

Plutus merely looked at me, opened his mouth, laughed a bit, and said, "Yoh krefdsf oht ekoed."

And then I did a double take. What the Hell did he just say?! And so I asked him, "What the Hell did you just say?!"

"Yoh krefdsf oht ekoed," he repeated again, "Thifodu Uy dfdioe dowtjki ittr."

"Verg-Verg! We got a problem over here!"

"I'm very aware of that, Dante. And don't call me Verg-Verg," Vergil said coming to stand beside me.

"So, what's his problem?" I asked Vergil still staring down at the creepy Plutus.

"Well, in Hell, good things are lost. Obviously this makes sense because this is Hell we're dealing with. However, that also means that the gift of speech is lost as well."

"So how the hell were we communicating with those other dudes before?"

"It's best to just not think about it, Dante."

And as we were trying to figure out a plan, Plutus jumps on Vergil's back and starts screaming something which we obviously couldn't understand. And then, the unthinkable happens. Plutus sticks his bare feet in Vergil's face. And Vergil freaks out.

"Holy Hell!" Vergil screams as he runs in strange patterns trying to pry the God of wealth (and, apparently, creepiness) off his shoulders and save his face from the feet. Oh yeah, did I happen to mention that the thing Vergil fears more than anything (that I'm aware of anyway) are feet? Bare feet.

So, you know, I could help him, but after all those times he laughed at me and told me scary stories and called me stupid . . . well, he's on his own. Hehehehe!

Flopping on the floor, Vergil starts spazzing out like I've never seen. I'm talking, like, foam was bubbling out his throat and his eyes were dilating. It. Was. AWESOME!!! But, you know, it was really time to help. I can't have him dying on me yet. How else would I get out of this Hell hole? HA! There's that awesome joke again. Oh, I slay me.

Stabbing the freaky "God" in the back, I freed Vergil from the evils of his feet. He began to recover immediately and, once he came to, I burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. "Oh my sweet Jesus, Vergil," I began, holding my sides, "That was hilarious! My fear of bees actually has merit to your stupid fear of bare feet, you loser!"

Too winded to get a retort in, Vergil gave me an evil sideways glance and continued to catch his breath. All I could do is laugh and laugh. I mean, for one, I forgot Vergil was afraid of feet! What a stupid fear! And then, I thought about how Plutus went right for Vergil's face with his feet. He either knew the secret too, or he just likes shoving his feet in people's faces.

When Vergil finally caught his breath, he shot me a glare and said, "You know what? If you had the same experience as I had, you'd be afraid of feet too!"

"Oh yeah? Try me," I said trying to hold back my buckets of laughter.

"Remember when dad used to wrestle with us," Vergil started. When I nodded in agreement, he continued. "Well, I remember one day in particular I challenged Dad to the ultimate wrestle off. If I won, I didn't have to chores for the week, but if he won, then he could keep me pinned down with his feet for an hour."

"And you actually thought you could beat dad?"

"Just be quiet and listen. So, I had been training and training to beat him, so I felt I was ready. I swear I almost had him when he pulled out his secret technique. It happened so suddenly, I barely remember ending up on the floor. But, a promise was a promise, and dad kept his foot on my stomach for one whole hour. He took a bit of mercy on me considering he could've used both feet."

"Anyway, I remember looking at his feet. The feet that had taken me down. And the more I looked at it, the weirder it got distorted. And then, a smell starting lingering from the foot. It was so awful, you don't even understand!"

"And you don't understand my story about the bees," I retorted back. "So, I guess we're just scared and will never be cured."

"Ugh, whatever. At least that guy's feet aren't on me."

"Thfodj ,fdjifo dij jfwiqj ncs sajijmio."

Turning around, we both came face to face with mister Plutus. And he didn't look very happy. Anger growing in his features, the demon starting chasing us all around level four. Mentally scared forever, Vergil and I ran in patterns we never thought he'd go, but there he was. Finally, I got a plan.

Jumping to opposite ends, Vergil leaped behind one boulder while I hopped around another. Then, when Plutus went to the center where we just were, Vergil and I charged as hard as we could toward him and, luckily, caught him between them.

Not wasting time to celebrate, Vergil and I went dashing out of the forth level. Leaving my own cultivated society behind was hard, but now they'll build statue of me and pray at it every day with offerings. Too bad I couldn't stay to collect.

After feeling like we had gone long enough, we both collapsed on the ground and tried to catch our breaths. And as we sat there, a deliciously evil idea popped into my mind.

"Hey Vergil? Do you . . . smell something?"

"No, why?" Vergil asked turning toward me only to come face to foot with my feet. Screaming wildly, Vergil scurried backwards and huddled against a lone tree.

Throwing my head back in satisfied laughter, Vergil was visibly shaking at me and screamed, "Dante! You ass!"

--------------------(End of Chapter Six)--------------------

A/N: Wasn't that fun! Yes, yes it was!! Anyway, the only thing that came from experience this time around was the whole 7 + 5 20 thing. But, you must understand, I have a horrifying great-uncle. And when I say horrifying, I mean it. He put the horror in horrifying! Also, he's quite intimidating. So, he just asked me this question, imbedded in a story, and I was caught so off guard I totally forgot every math skill I have. And then I got laughed at. That wasn't much fun. I don't know why he asked me such an idiotic question, anyway!

Oh, yes, and the psychotic killer story came from experience too. There were a few of us though, and I think I'm the only one who believed the story. Anyway, it was really dark and the kid telling it left it off at an awkward point like the one in the story. When we all went inside, I was a little scared by the story. However, my former friend turned to me and said, "It's not a true story. You're just a big baby." Oh, how I hated him right then.

The whole Vergil foot story was completely made up, but I based it (a tiny part of it) off of a friend I used to have. My former friend had this insanely creepy dad. He was always wrestling with his son, and he liked to pin him with his foot. Now, I don't much care for feet, but I took Vergil's hate to a new level. Hmm, imagine being afraid of your own feet. Or maybe he's good with those, I'm not sure.

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!! Reviews are greatly appreciated!!!


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